Rambling Buffoonery

I recently read a few blog posts where the writers chose to do a timed unfiltered writing session. I loved the idea of seeing what my brain would churn out when I just type whatever thoughts pop into my head for 5 minutes at a time. No editing, no filtering, just rambling buffoonery! 😄 Considering how ungracefully my mind pole vaults from one topic to the next, I figured this will be a hoot! So here we go…

Why is fruit so erotic? I mean peaches look like buttcracks, bananas are used for dick jokes, and melons are euphemisms for boobs. I do love a sweet, juicy fruit. Not the gum but actual fruit. Hell there’s nothing like slurping fruit juice right from a piece of fruit. Yet pineapples are prickly looking on the outside. I don’t know why. The best pineapple I ever ate was in Costa Rica. That’s also where monkeys nearly pooped on Glenn right on the beach. The poo did plop on his beach towel though. Do monkeys think it’s funny to poop on someone? Hell do birds think it’s hilarious when they poop on someone? I feel like the birds hit their mark more often then monkeys. Not sure why. I don’t think it’s lucky to get pooped on by a bird. Now I’m scratching my head remembering when a bird pooped on my head in college. My entire class was walking across the street to go see a demonstration at one of the laboratories inside University of Maryland Medical Center. How lovely. A bird just dropped their load on me. I’m walking inside a hospital with liquid bird shit on my head and face. 🙄 And how do birds know that you have a freshly cleaned car? I don’t know how they know, but they ALWAYS know! They never miss shitting on a clean car.

Juicy buttcrack peaches 🍑

I am siting here watching our new cat Tilly clean herself. Do cats enjoy cleaning themselves so often? Do they think they smell like chicken or fish after they groom themselves? I mean humans spray cologne or perfume on themselves because they want to smell a certain way. Since cats eat chicken and fish cat food, do they lick themselves so they can get the essence of chicken and/or fish all over their bodies? But then again humans don’t lick themselves all over to get the smell of whatever that ate all over themselves. At least no one that I know does that. But if I were to do that, I wonder what foods I would smell like. Would one food smell dominate another? Would it be whatever was my last meal? Would the food smells clash? Do different foods have different staying power? Like I wouldn’t expect my raisin bran and milk to last very long in the smell department. But I would expect the tacos and pico de gallo I ate for lunch to still be sticking around a few hours later. Would someone want to smell like tacos? Instead of Eau de Toilette, is there a market for Eau de Tacos? Should I send an email to Calvin Klein? Maybe not. Kramer from Seinfeld was pissed when Calvin Klein stole his idea for a cologne that made you smell like you just came from the beach. But then again Kramer got to model some fancy CK briefs. I wonder if he got to keep the underwear.

Can we just talk about how awesome port a potty names are?! Like is there a job where all you have to do is think of clever port a potty names? Locally, there’s Bobby’s potties, Gotugo, Don’s Johns, and A flush away. I even saw a pink Bobby’s potties on a flatbed truck the other day! I mean if I have a choice between a grey or pink port a potty, I’m going with the pink! Where are these pink port a potties being set up? Are they at construction sites? Public events? Are they a joke for bridal showers or weddings? I think it’s likely to be less disgusting than the non pink potties because I think most dudes would go shit just about anywhere else instead of getting caught in a pink port a potty. You always secretly hope that as you’re taking a grumper in one, that no one rocks it and tips it over as a prank. I could just see a bunch of dudes knocking over a pink port a potty with someone inside of it. I wonder if the pink port a potty has the same blue stuff inside it too or if Bobby went with a different color. Does is also have different toilet paper inside? Is it deluxe like the port a Gribble on King of the Hill? Is there an upcharge for the pink port a potty? Has anyone tried stuffing a bunch of people inside to win a contest like the port a Gribble? More importantly, did it hold up or did it fall apart like the port a Gribble and reveal a squatter? These are the burning questions I as a consumer must know! Perhaps I should inquire to Bobby’s potties and find out.

He’s a squatter!

I hear the washing machine draining water and the ceiling fan on high speed in my bedroom. The sound of the fan whirling is calming to me. Tilly is asleep and snoring on my lap so it’s all good. I like watching her ear twitch as she sleeps. OMG she just farted! She is definitely our cat! Eww it stinks too. But not like a dog fart. Dog farts are ripe. Sometimes worse than human farts. I wonder how many times a day a cat or dog farts. Is it more than a human? I read somewhere that humans fart 14 times a day on average. I bet if you ate a lot of beans you’d fart more. Would the type of bean affect the smell, quantity, or sound of the fart? Let’s say we’re evaluating pinto beans versus garbanzo beans. I don’t really know anything about these beans. I don’t even like beans. I find their mushy texture inside and thick outer skin gross. Like the outer skin of snakes. That empty crispy looking skin they shed is just nasty. Kinda reminds me of a scab that you just picked and is dangling from your fingertips because you can’t shake it off. Delicate to the touch and sort of transparent. Still gross though.

I hope you enjoyed my rambling buffoonery! 😁 Leave me a comment if you’d like to see this as a multi part series or if there are any topics you would like to read about from me 🙂